Writer's Block
by mtranc3
Summary: Crack!fic! Desperate times call for desperate measures.


**Title: **Writer's Block**  
Author:** mtranc3  
**Rating:** R   
**Category:** Parody  
**Spoilers:** None  
**Summary: **Desperate times call for desperate measures.  
**Author's Notes:** Unbeta'd  
**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling, no profit is being made.

**Day 1**

On Monday morning Harry Potter walked in the Great Hall looking a little worse for wear.

"What's wrong, mate?"

"Thanks for waking me up Ron!" He glowered at his best friend and sat down.

"I tried, but you looked knackered!" Ron mumbled through a mouthfull of bacon and eggs.

"You should have tried harder, I had a bloody awful dream..."

Hermione closed her book, her eyes were filled with concern "Was it You-Know-Who?"

"No, no..." Harry swallowed a bit of toast and shook his head "but it was horrible. We were having Potions, something went wrong with mine and it turned out as a kind of..." he lowered his voice "_love potion_, but I had already drunk it and... well... I fell in love with --"

"Who was it Harry?"

But he had stopped talking, because Malfoy had just walked in and their eyes met. Malfoy shuddered, and pushed Grabbe and Goyle to keep moving.

"Er, I don't remember actually."

**Day 2**

"Draco! What happened to _you_?"

"Shut it Blaise, I'm not in the mood."

"No, seriously! Look in the mirror, I'm not joking!"

Draco rolled his eyes at his dormmate, and trotted to the bathroom. He felt as though he hadn't gotten any sleep at all, and there was a weird fluttering in his stomach that he dismissed as hunger. He looked in the mirror. _Trust Slytherins to play jokes this early in the day..._ He decided he would deal with Blaise after his morning routine.

----

"Oh, my! Draco, what have you done to yourself?"

"I see you're in this too Parkinson..."

"But Draco, you're positively _glowing_!" Pansy was looking at him with eyes wide, in fact, most of the Slytherins in the common room seemed to be staring at him.

He gave his hands a surreptitious look. Nothing there. _Oh, they are going to pay dearly for this..._

However, the Slytherins were not the only ones behaving strangely. On his way to breakfast he passed by a couple of Hufflepuffs who squeaked when they saw him and started giggling. One of them even had the cheek to blow him a kiss! Draco begun to feel nervous, and the tugging in his stomach became even worse as he entered the Great Hall. His eyes fell on the Gryffindor table, and the peculiar feeling that nagged him all morning, consumed him. There he was, between the weasel and the mudblood, his eyes squinting in suspicion. His sparkling, _beautiful_, green eyes. Draco felt himself drawn towards their magnetic pull.

"Wrong table, ferret."

"Shut it, ginger-head" but his heart was not in the insult, his attention was entirely captivated by Potter; _When did the scarhead become so gorgeous?_

"Malfoy, you are..." Hermione seemed as though she coudn't find the words. She was looking at him the same way Pansy was, back in the common room.

"I know..." Draco said in a hypnotic voice "glowing... Can't you see it Harry?"

Potter's eyes widened in surprise and he almost fell off the bench trying to scoot as far away from Draco as possible.

"You should, you know... you're my mate..." Draco's hands came up automatically to cover his mouth. What had possessed him to say something like that? And why did it suddenly feel right?

The Gryffindors around Harry didn't react, they seemed gobsmacked by what was going on. In fact, the whole room seemed to hold its breath. Potter's jaw had dropped, and his reddish lips looked very inviting. Draco leaned in; the tugging in his stomach was now a rhythmic tapping, growing stronger by the minute. Potter closed his eyes, and his breath was coming out short. Their lips almost met when Draco's head suddenly cleared.

"Eurgh! Get away from me!" The whole room came to life. Harry had a look of horror on his face and run quickly out of the hall. Draco didn't know why, but he felt like he should follow him. He run out too, and spotted Potter near the dungeons stairs, trying to catch his breath.

"What have you done to me Potter?"

"What are you talking about?! You almost..." _kissed me._ The word sounded atrocious even in Harry's own mind. Blood rushed to Draco's cheeks. "It was your fault!" he said meekly. _With your mussed hair, and pouty lips..._ he added mentally and covered his mouth again. What was wrong with him?

"You are going soft in the head, aren't you Malfoy?"

"Oh spare me the self-righteousness and go save a House-Elf with the mudblood, or something..."

Harry clenched his fists "Don't. Call. Her. That." but the punch was never delivered as a swirling wave overtook them like a mini-whirlwind.

----

When Harry came to it, he was swimming amidst black robes.

"Malfoy? What happened?" a high-pitched voice said, which Harry realized was his own. A blond head emerged from under the robes and burst out laughing upon seeing Harry. But it wasn't Malfoy, it was how Malfoy would have looked like if he were 10 years younger. A realisation dawned on Harry and he looked at his hands.

"Oh my God!" he said in a squeaky voice. "Stop laughing you daft prick, we've been _de-aged_!"

Draco's eyebrows rose to his hairline and he looked down on himself, bringing his hands to the front of his trousers.

"What- What is this Potter? What's going on?"

"I don't know, but for some reason I think's that's how what happened to us is called..."

Without a warning, Draco flung himself on Harry "I'm going to kill you!"

But Harry couldn't stop giggling, Malfoy's menacing look didn't go well with the baby fat on his face. They rolled in the too-big clothes, Draco trying to strangle Harry, and Harry laughing hysterically. Thus, they didn't hear the first students exiting the Great Hall for their morning classes.

"Merlin's balls!" They heard Seamus Finnigan say, and then a series of flashes that were undoubtedly coming from Colin Creevey's camera.

**Day 3**

Harry's stomach was growling loudly, but he didn't dare go to dinner. He was still shaken from the events of the previous day. He and Malfoy had been taken to the infirmary, but no matter what Madame Pomfrey did, they had annoyingly remained dwarf-sized. Ron wasn't being helpful at all by collapsing in giggling fits every time he took a glimpse at them, and most of the girls in their year had popped in to coo at them. Harry hadn't felt more embarrassed in his entire life. Dumbledore had also come to see them; he swished his wand over their heads once, said 'most peculiar' and left talking to himself. However, to his utter relief and joy, he had woken up this morning normal-sized again, and so was Malfoy. They were both so relieved that they didn't even bicker once, and Madame Pomfrey gave in to their pleas and released them early.

Harry was currently roaming the hallways, waiting for dinner to finish, when he heard a muffled sound coming from one of the unused classrooms nearby. He sneaked a peak inside and was dumbfounded by what he saw: Draco Malfoy was pounding into Pansy Parkinson against the teacher's desk. His stomach churned and he wanted to close the door and pretend he had never seen this, but for some reason he couldn't take his eyes off Draco's pelvis moving against Parkinson's. He felt himself stirring down _there_ and that's when he knew something was very wrong. His empty stomach was all but forgotten, and all he wanted was to go back to his dorm and wank off on the image of Malfoy shagging Parkinson of all things! His mind was too dazed to notice her panting and pointing soundlessly at him. Draco turned to look just when Harry had clumsily shut the door, but it was too late; both had seen him.

The mortification was too much to bear, and he took off down the hallway. He heard the door opening again behind him and an angry Malfoy yelling at him "Wait up, you filthy peeping Tom!"

Harry reached the staircase and stared climbing down, three steps at a time, when the surface suddenly disappeared from under his feet and he fell into darkness.

----

He hit the ground hard, and felt his glasses breaking. He rubbed his forhead, cursing Hogwarts' staircases. Looking around, he saw that he had fallen in a small clearing.

"What the hell happened?" Malfoy who had apparently fallen behind him, stood up looking around. "What are you playing at Potter? First _spying_ on me, and now this!" he spat.

"I wasn't spying on you!" Harry said blushing "And I don't know what happened either. I think we fell outside somehow..." he looked around, but it was really dark. The moon was only in its first quarter, and so was the second one.

"Bloody hell!" Harry screamed in a perfect Ron imitation. "Malfoy look!"

Malfoy looked up at the sky, paling at the sight.

"What is this Potter! Where are we?"

"No need to get alarmed, gentlemen..." a voice said out of the Darkness. Harry and Draco instinctively moved closer to each other.

"Do you have your wand with you?"

"No, do you?" Harry shook his head negatively.

The person who had spoken, came out of the shadows accompanied by three more. He was wearing a long grey robe, and his eyes were black and hollowed inside his diamond-shaped head.

"Aliens..." Harry whispered in awe.

"What?" Malfoy squinted his eyes to get a better look at the creatures.

"Welcome to A.M.D.T.I.! I am 'Ootatmtdi' and you must be Earthians."

"We're on another _planet_?!" Harry asked and Draco looked as if he were going to faint.

"Relax, gentlemen. We have had many visitors of your kind before, for some reason this happens all the time. Don't worry, you will be able to return back to your homes."

Draco breathed out in relief at that.

"All you have to do is have sex with eachother, and you'll immediately go back to where you came from..."

"WHAT?" Both boys screamed in unison. The creature shrugged.

"What kind of a sick joke is this? Wait til my Father hears about this!"

"Oh shut up Malfoy! Your father isn't here, is he?" Harry run his hand through his hair. This was not good. Taking on Voldemort seemed like a piece of cake at the moment.

"I assure you this is no joke. For some reason when visitors fornicate with eachother, they are transferred back. It is like a ritual and it is the only effective action to our knowledge. Why, last week we had two very amusing chaps from a place called Atlantis --"

"We don't care about your bleeding visitors! I want to go home! My Father --" the creature raised his hand and the atmosphere around them cackled, making Draco swallow his words.

"You can try anything you wish, but I promise you nothing else works. If you excuse us, the welcoming party is over" and with that they receded back to the shadows as if they never existed.

"Right," said Draco undoing his belt "best get on with it then. Turn around Potter..."

Harry took a couple of steps back, not liking the glint in Malfoy's eyes "What are you doing Malfoy...?"

"What the old geezer said. I, unlike you, would very much like to go back, so take your bloody robes off!"

Harry clutched his trousers in indignation. "Get away from me!"

"Oh I see... You only like to watch, is that it, Potter? But when it comes to the actual deed, you're like a blushing virgin." Draco raised an eyebrow and smirked the smirk that made Harry want to smash his jaw. Only his hands were paralyzed now.

"Don't worry Potty, I'll take good care of you..."

Harry's 'meep!' was lost in the air, as everything around them changed again, and he found himself looking at the bloody staircase once more. Malfoy was behind him panting hard. He straightened his clothes and shot Harry a venomous look; "If you breathe one word of this Potter..."

Harry composed himself, "Same to you Malfoy."

Draco nodded and slowly made his way down, disappearing in the shadows.

**Day 4**

"Potter," Malfoy spun him around, clutching his collar "come with me."

"Bugger off Malfoy, and take your hands off me!"

Draco leaned in to whisper, so that only Harry could hear "I suddenly have the urge to shag you senseless in the broomshed."

Harry's eyes bulged, but for some reason the idea didn't sound too bad.

"I... er... okay" he finished lamely. But Draco didn't seem to have heard him, as he had already started walking.

By the time they were outside, they couldn't keep their hands to themselves. Draco grabbed Harry's arse and hissed in his ear "Do you ever feel like your life - _oh God, yes_ - that your life is being manipulated?"

"All the time." Harry moaned. He wanted to touch Malfoy's hair but his arms felt detained.

"What the...?" Everything around them was changing again and he caught a glimpse of chains and _a dungeon_?

"Oh, crap..." he said.

"Oh, yes!" Draco replied.

The End


End file.
